How would you describe your relationship with your in-laws? How do you feel about that description? Is there anything you'd like to change? In-law dynamics, just like your own family, come with their own dynamics, history and expectations. You might notice that the dynamics have changed over time, or that you've changed over time. Let's chat about a few ways you can show up authentically with your in-laws.
1. Choose authenticity over approval
Guess what!? You don't need your families approval, in-laws or anyone else's approval. Mind-blowing right? I like to think of families as the life long group project that you didn't get to choose. If you notice that you are hyper-focused on being accepted by your in-laws, begin write down things that you are willing to compromise in order to gain their approval. This list can be eye-opening.
Next, ask yourself, what parts am I hiding of myself in order to be approved and accepted by my in-laws. This is a great question to highlight those parts of you that you think might be too much, or not enough. If we focus all of our energy of hiding parts of us, we will never fully feel connected in our second family.
Are you showing up in a way that is in alignment with your values? Notice if there is anything that you feel you need to do out of obligation, expectation or guilt to not ruffle any feathers.
Next, take some time to consider what authenticity means to you. I also like to invite my ideal self to the conversation and see what she would say on the matter. Remember, every time you show up as you, it's saying to others that you trust them enough to make a decision if they want to be in your life or not.
2. Boundaries with In-Laws
Okay so this one always is a knee-jerk. Let's talk about the word boundaries first of all. Boundaries is a beautiful way for you to express to others how you want them to treat you. I like to think of boundaries as bridges and not walls. It's important in any relationship to have some clear ground rules, and to be in agreement with your partner about them. One way to begin this conversation with your partner is to talk about the new family that you both have formed, and what healthy boundaries would look like with both of your families.
Some hot topics could be:
How often will we see our families?
What does each of us need if we feel we are being disrespected by our in-laws?
How will we both support our in-laws? (financially, emotionally, physically)
How much vacations days will we use to visit our families (if couple's live at a distance from family)
It is also important to discuss with your partner how you both are going to express these boundaries with your in-laws with love. Consistency is key in building these beautiful bridges. It's okay if you need to repeat yourself, as most people instinctively don't like change if they don't have control over it. Be patient with them and yourself and you establish these new bridges with your second family.
3. Two is better than one
It's clique, but it rings true especially with in-law gatherings. Presenting a strong united front allows others in the family to see you both in a new light. This doesn't mean that you are superior to anyone else, rather it shows that the connection, loyalty and love are important to you both. A good thing to consider with your partner is if any situation could arise that would cause their loyalty to side with their family and not yet. These conversations are hard but so important to understand each other in relation to their family. This can be extremely important if criticism arises. It is often second-nature for the adult-child to stay quiet, and step back into the parent-child dynamic that they've lived in for years. This can be detrimental to your partner and to you. Don't join in the criticism, rather be kind but firm.
4. You Are Allowed to Take Your In-Laws in Small Doses
This might feel so wrong, or so foreign, or so selfish. Encourage yourself to hold all of these parts that come up within you and be curious about them. Often our old patterns keep us 'doing, avoiding, or freezing' in these moments. Again this comes back to what is the purpose getting together with your in-laws, and what you want the outcome to be with your in-laws. Set agreed upon time limits. You don't need to be besties with all your in-laws.
If you have felt that you've lost yourself when it comes to your in-laws, begin with forgiving yourself. That inner child inside of you deserves to be seen and heard. Forgiveness is a huge word, that a lot of us have different meanings for. What if forgiveness doesn't mean you have to go back to the way things 'used to be', and it can allow you to instead release any resent that was formed toward your in-laws and help you to show up more authentically the next time you see your in-laws.
5. Freaking Powerful Words
Everyone loves to give advice! I'm sure you are recalling easily a moment with your in-laws where you received unsolicited advice! Let's normalize this and say it's a predictable behaviour. Parents and in-laws will give their opinion. Which is fine, an opinion can just be an opinion. Notice the next time you receive an opinion and do your best to hold it without judgment but rather with curiosity. Can you allow it to be neutral? As an adult child you still have the final say in how you want to run your home and family.
Our in-laws have a big role in our partner's life, sometimes whether we like it or not. When there is opportunity to speak with them, doing so with love and respect will get you a lot closer to understanding and appreciating each other.
Space, Grace & Beautiful Bridges
xo Unapologetically You
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