What are Relationship Roles?
They are roles that we find ourselves and others playing, in order to make the relationship work. The roles we play can reflect a lot about how we were raised, who we are, or who we want to be. These roles can form naturally or can be created out of a void that may exist in any relationship. These roles are also impacted by systemic influences, social identities and intersectionality's, personal factors and transitional events. Have you ever stopped to consider what role you play with yourself? With your partner? Or within your friend group?
Let's dive in to discover what types of roles exist in these relationships and which ones you may resonate with the most.
Different Types of Roles
Leader: this is someone who based on age, experience, knowledge or maturity tends to step into this role. They often take charge in order to help the group accomplish a task, can tend to speak more during group interactions and tend to take on more responsibilities. They are good at considering the needs of the group and are open to feedback and improvement.
Encourager: this individual focuses on ways to support the group, praises the success of others, in other words, they bring a lot of good vibes with them. This person is not just your cheerleader, but you can count on them when times are difficult. They provide a sense of inspiration, but it's important that they also create space and time to focus on their goals and dreams.
Peace-Maker: our harmonizer, the one who focuses on de-escalating conflicts within the groups, they are experts at conflict resolution. This can be accomplished through effective communication and/or use of humour. Although the threat of conflict can be avoided, it often requires a lot of time and energy on the peace maker's side, which can lead to internal resentment or unresolved issues if overdone.
Compromiser: this can often be seen as the follower role, this individual will often give up their needs, ideas or wants in a group to go along with the group. You can often count on persuading this individual to meet you half way - at least. They also will agree with what others say without contributing their own ideas or thoughts.
Introvert: this person often is the quietest in the group, they thrive on one-on-one conversations and do a lot of observing rather than contributing to the group's decisions. They will go along with the group majority and can often feel drained from group interactions easily.
Help Seeker: this individual is quick to be vulnerable, to share personal feelings and issues. They can often take up a lot of space and seek the sympathy or help of others in the group. They tend to focus on their world and are unable to contribute or help others in the group. They can develop a reputation of playing the victim, and focus on their inadequacies and limitations.
Dominator: this is someone who enjoys control, enjoys being the alpha of a group and directing conversations and ideas. They at times can lack self-awareness and find it difficult to know when to allow others space in the group. The spotlight is always on them.
Comedian: humour is their badge of honour, they often bring a lot of joy to the group, sometimes at the expense of others in the group or with themselves. This individual can be good at avoiding intimate conversations and deflecting from uncomfortable situations.
Caregiver: exactly how it sounds, this person is the 'parent' of the group, they are exceptional with caring physically and emotionally for their entourage, and find a lot of fulfilment in taking care of others. On the down side, this can often lead the caregiver to neglect their own needs, leading often to burnout, high levels of stress and even resentment.
Provider: this is someone who takes on the responsibility of ensuring that the financial or material needs of the group or the relationship are taken care of. This role often comes naturally for the individual, and they enjoy providing comfort, stability and security to others. It can be challenging for the provider at times to appear vulnerable or in need of support.
Challenger: this individual is amazing at challenging comfort zones, in relationships and groups. Growth is always on the other side of stepping into discomfort, so this often can be viewed as positive. It is important to note that encouragement rather than critique is the most effective when looking to grow together.
How Do I Change My Role?
Let's say you resonated with one or more of these roles. Did you notice that maybe you're a shapeshifter and can play different roles with different groups? That's interesting. Did you find that the role you resonated most with you didn't want to 'play' anymore? Well here are a few ways to move into a new role within your relationships and extended support groups.
Understand why you don't like the role you are playing. Take notes, when did you start 'playing' this role? How old were you? Did you volunteer for the role? Or were you meeting a need?
Think of your ideal self, what role would they like to play in the relationships/group setting? Can you visualize their posture, mood, way they would communicate? How does it feel to imagine that? Does it feel good? Or slightly uncomfortable? Often when we visualize our ideal self we can be flooded by our inner critique part that doesn't want us to change for fear of failure. It's okay that it shows up, but remember you get to choose, not the inner critique.
Communicate and Integrate the new role. In a romantic partnership, communicate your desire to improve your role or to change your role in order to make the relationship better. Start off slowly, practice speaking to yourself as if you were a friend. Practice with a close friend or partner. Changing roles is not something we do overnight, but it is something we can practice and improve on in each interaction we face.
PROS AND CONS OF RELATIONSHIP ROLES
Pros:
Mutual understanding of expectations from one another
Creates a routine, which in turn creates a sense of security and stability
Can help to keep the relationship organized
Cons:
Can create a sense of imbalance or inequality if one partner feels they are caring a greater load of responsibility in the relationship
Can lead to misunderstandings or tension if the roles aren't mutually agreed upon
Can feel like it is too hard to change a role that a partner has been in for a long time. Could cause a partner to feel trapped or stagnant in the relationship.
Things to Keep in Mind
Communication allows for assumptions to remain thoughts and not facts. It also allows for any resentments to be addressed and not ignored.
Being your authentic self is the best gift you can give to others, you don't need to fit into a role to belong.
In any role that you find yourself in, focus on investing trust, respect, support and love into the relationship.
These roles are not set in stone, you can change them by being honest with what it is you need and want in your relationships.
As you continue to live a life of mindfulness and curiosity, I hope you are able to create strong relationship dynamics in the life groups that you find yourself in each season. If you find it difficult to manoeuvre or understand what your needs are in relationships and group settings I would encourage you to reach out to a therapist to gain insight into who you are and how you can meet your inner child's needs with more intention each and every day.
Space, grace and beautiful boundaries to you all
Xoxo
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