Mothers are usually one of our first contacts as we enter this world and we instinctively create physical and emotional attachments with them (this can include many types of mother-child relationships that exist in our world). Depending on the interactions we have with our primary caregivers (usually our mom) plays a huge role in how we develop our believes about ourself, others and the world around us.
What is a Mother wound?
Is it when the daughter inherits the pain, suffering and trauma that is carried by her mother through her interactions with her. Having a mother who can meet your physical needs but is unable to or doesn't know how to meet your emotional needs can cause you to experience this pain.
What are some the impacts of the mother wound?
Low self-esteem
Lack of emotional awareness
Inability to self-soothe
The belief that warm and nurturing relationships aren't within in your reach
You May Have Experienced the Mother Wound if your mother…
Was able to provide physical support to you but not able to provide emotional support
Whenever you showed emotions as a child your mother was unable to express empathy or help you label and provide you tools to manage your feelings
Would not allow you to express any negative emotions as a child
Was very critical and judgmental
Was focused more on her work or busy with her interests
Had suffered abuse herself and has not healed from the experience, she would not be able to love and nurture others if she hasn't done it for herself
Had an untreated mental health condition
Struggled with an alcoholic or drug addiction
Healing from the mother wound
Connect with yourself
Get in touch with how you are feeling, learn to take the time to sit, breathe and name what feelings you are experiencing - this is the first and most important step. Here's a list of feelings if you're not familiar with labeling your feelings!
Journal
It's okay to admit that it was painful, that there are a lot of hurt feelings and that you are not okay. Putting pen to paper will help with the healing process. You'll be surprised what begins to flow from your stream of conscious when you begin to journal, it's a powerful tool to help release what we've been so good at keeping bottled up for so long.
Recreate your self image
Reflect on what your ideal self looks like, acts like and be intentional about aligning yourself with this new positive image. Some journaling for your ideal self include:
Notice yourself at your best, as your ideal self. The mood you would have, the confidence you might carry, the way you would handle conflict, and the relationships you would have.
Notice what you would be doing as your best self. How would you spend your time, what would life look like?
Notice how you would show up in life knowing you already had what you needed? How would you be different?
Active your self-parent mode
This is all about asking yourself what you need, and meeting those needs, you don't have to wait around for anyone to meet them for you. Sometimes it's easier if you imagine yourself younger and notice what they need, and how you can meet that need.
Take off the rose-coloured glasses
When you can learn to see your mother as she truly is, you can begin the healing process. Being by grieving the ideal mother you wished you had. No mother is perfect and no mother can ever meet all of their child's needs. If you can accept that your mother is who she is today with no expectations then there is a possibility that a new relationship can be built. But in no means place yourself in a situation where you are getting chipped away at by her. Beautiful boundaries for yourself are important to have when you are working through this healing process. Remember that boundaries are not walls but bridges that tell others how you want them to treat you.
Let go of the blame
Release any guilt that you hold concerning the lack of emotional support you received from your mother. It has nothing to do with your worth, value or if you were good enough. You were the child, she was the responsible adult, period.
Develop healthy coping strategies
You may have developed survival coping strategies growing up to get through the pain you suffered from your mother, but the good news is you can always upgrade those strategies to new ones, especially if they aren't healthy strategies. Here are a couple of my favourite:
Get into nature, your whole system will slow down instinctively
Move your body
Listen to upbeat music, or better yet play an instrument if you can
Take a long hot bath
Make yourself a tea
Give yourself a hug and speak to yourself with love
Connect with your breathe - it may seem simple but it helps to activate your parasympathetic system which helps to bring calmness and regulation to your system
Thank your old coping strategy and ask yourself what this system needs from you now
Review your boundaries
Remember that the boundaries you put in place are there to support you in meeting your needs, whether it is with your mother or others in your life. Practice saying no and ask yourself what you are okay with on a daily basis. How do you want to be treated in this big wide world?
Seek support
Work with a therapist or counsellor who is experienced in emotionally focused therapy, attachment theories and who can understand the mother wound can help you deep dive and heal from the hurt you've experienced.
Reframe Strategies
It can be so hard to let go of the mother that we wanted and needed growing up, and in order to do so we need to understand our mothers, their backgrounds, how they were raised, their fears, traumas and unmet needs. We can also begin to ask ourselves can we accept the way our mothers are, with the understanding that they are missing a lot of the tools and resources to change and grow. Forgiveness is the next step, and often the hardest one. Can we forgive our mothers for not being who and what we needed them to be? The letting go comes with being able to let go of expectations for our mothers, and accepting them as they show up in the present moment.
Being aware of the mother wound and learning how to heal and cope from the lack of emotional support will take time, energy and a lot of self-compassion. It is worth every single page in your journal, hug and coping strategy as you set yourself free from any guilt, shame, self-doubt, anxiety and depression that developed during your primary years. Continue in this journey and you will notice an improvement in your relationship with yourself, others and the world around you.
"The greatest gift you can give to anyone is to allow them to show up brand new every single day".
Grace, Space & Beautiful Bridges
Xo Cathlin
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