Mastering the 5 Love Languages: How to Love Yourself and Others Better

Love is a beautiful force, that can be overwhelmingly addictive, devastatingly limited, appear easy to come by, or even difficult to acknowledge when it crosses your path. We all have a history with love, and with that a perception of what love the older we grow. Gary Chapman's well-known book, "The 5 Love Languages", has given us a tangible way to identify how we give and receive love, but first it's important to understand how to love ourselves before bringing anyone else into the mix.

In this article we'll look ways to Master the 5 Love Languages for Self and for Others. We'll also review the differences between healthy and unhealthy love, and ways to repair an unhealthy love relationship. Having a solid sense of self-love, what it looks like and why it's important is the baseline for learning how to love others once your cup is filled.

What are the 5 Love Languages?

Let's start with a quick refresher before we dive into practical examples of love:

1. Words of Affirmation

   1. Being a cheerleader, recognizing and supporting your loved ones, being the 'hype-man'.

2. Acts of Service

   1. Helping out your loved ones, making their day easier in some way. Putting thought into what you are doing for others in a meaningful way.

3. Gift Giving

   1. Gifting thoughtful gifts to express to others that you are thinking of them. It's not about how expensive the gift is, it's about the meaning and thought behind the gift.

4. Quality time

   1. Spending time with those you love through meaningful connections, active participation, giving your undivided attention without any distractions.

5. Physical Touch

   1. Providing physical connections through affection and intimacy to show your love.

Lovin' Yourself the Right Way

Are you the person who tends to give love, invest in others and never seems to have enough energy or time to treat yourself to some "you time"? Being able to love yourself first and do it well is a practice that we are going to review today! Let's reflect on how you are showing up for yourself today. Did you have a chance to shower? Do the skincare routine? Rest your eyes from screentime and pick up that book? Get to bed on time last night to have at least 8hrs of sleep for today's schedule? It may not seem like these are significant ways to love yourself, but they are! Being able to take a step back, breath, and ask yourself what it is that others do to make you feel loved is a good place to start. Is it when someone brings you medication when you're sick? Buys you flowers? Compliments you? Do you feel the most loved when you receive hugs or can sip a drink for hours while sharing stories with your bestie? Being able to understand your love language and ways you can foster self-love will have your future-self cheering you on.

Mastering the Love Language That's Right for You

1. Words of Affirmation

   1. Nurturing a positive inner dialogue with self

   2. "You've grown so much, I'm so proud of you"

   3. "You are allowed to keep learning in this lifetime"

   4. Positive affirmations and compliments

   5. "gurrrrllll you look good"

   6. Journaling your thoughts, giving them attention and writing them down to help free up more 'mental real estate' in your mind

2. Acts of Service

   1. Taking yourself to that doctor's appointment

   2. Being intentional with what you are consuming

   3. Making time to exercise

   4. Decluttering and organizing your environment

   5. Making sure you get enough sleep

3. Receiving Gifts

   1. Buying gifts that are meaningful, even celebratory of what you have accomplished

   2. Favourite candles, drinks

   3. Creating a routine that allows you to nurture and care for yourself (skin care routine)

4. Quality Time

   1. Taking yourself out on a date (to the park, movies, restaurant) and enjoying your alone time

   2. Practicing mindfulness, breathwork, curiosity

   3. Participating in hobbies that bring you joy, and maybe even community (volleyball, chess club, soccer, social dancing, gardening, etc)

5. Physical Touch

   1. Moving  your body through yoga, dance or stretching to connect more with the flow of your body

   2. Giving yourself a hug when you feel vulnerable, finding safety and comfort in your body

   3. Professional or self-massages to give yourself a nice release from any stress or discomfort that has built up in your body throughout the day

Your inner child will feel the love being invested into you when you begin or continue to love yourself in these intentional ways. Imagine for a moment that each time you love yourself, your inner child is smiling, applauding and even growing stronger within you! Now let's turn towards some intentional ways to show love to others based on the 5 Love Languages.

From Words to Touch: Easy Ideas to Love on Your Partner Today

1. Words of Affirmation

   1. Thank you for...

   2. I appreciate when...

   3. I need you

   4. I love us

   5. I have become a better person because of you

   6. I love your energy/smile/laugh

   7. I love you

2. Acts of Service

   1. Surprise them at work with their favourite drink/snack

   2. Do their least favourite chore for them

   3. Make tea/coffee in the morning

   4. Make the bed for the both of you

   5. Remove the snow off the car for your partner

   6. Create the grocery list

   7. Cook a delicious meal for the family

3. Gift Giving

   1. A basket of their favourite snacks

   2. Buy a bottle of their favourite wine/drink

   3. A frame photo of a favourite photo of you together

   4. A voucher of "I owe you"

   5. Create a Spotify playlist of their favourite songs

   6. Fill up their gas tank

   7. Write little love notes that they can find throughout the day

4. Quality time

   1. Put that phone away, schedule in no screen times

   2. Eat together

   3. Schedule daily check-ins with each other

   4. Take a class together (dance, cooking, pottery, etc)

   5. Turn a boring task into a chore date that you do together

   6. At home spa day with massages and pedicure

   7. Recreate your first date as best you can

5. Physical Touch

   1. Gentle back rubs or foot massages

   2. Cuddling + movie

   3. Playful tickling

   4. Holding hands in any situation or time of the day

   5. A surprise hug or kiss or both

   6. Dance together at home

   7. Hold your partner during moments of vulnerability

The more we love others, the more that love grows within us. Love is powerful. It has the power to uplift, encourage, breathe life into others, but it is also confusing, can be toxic and destructive. We are all deserving and worthy of a love that lifts us up, but it is important to understand what the tell-tale signs are between what is healthy and unhealthy love.

What Healthy Love Looks Like - And How to Cultivate it

There is no one clear definition of Healthy Love, but there are a lot of qualities that fall under its umbrella. Here are some examples where love is a shared sense of emotional safety, respect, good communication and support for each other.

Respect with each other's time, hobbies, and personal space. It is where you don't ask permission of each other, but rather trust each other's decisions and communicate any differences or conflicts in a kind and understanding manner.

Emotional Safety is where you can open up with your partner about your deep, vulnerable needs and fears and receive support that is empathetic, caring and curious. It is where you don't need to hide parts of you, or pretend to be the perfect partner to earn your partner's love. You have built this safety through honesty and trust with each other, which allows you to feel safe and vulnerable. 

Good Communication is so soothing to the soul. When conflicts arise you are able to work together as a team to understand the situation or each other more. Using curiosity as a tool is also very helpful to remain on the same side as your partner. If conflict arises remember that the goal is repair, connect with your partner rather than let the days turn into weeks without addressing the conflict.

Support is normal and expected in healthy relationships. There is no shame in needing your partner to be there when you are sad, feeling alone, or insecure. It means being their for each other and attuning with empathy to your loved one.

Love Shouldn’t Hurt: Signs Your Relationship May Be Toxic

This version of love is limited, broken, imbalanced and hurtful. It can isolate, chip away at and create anxiety or avoidance in the relationship. This list could go on for awhile, but we've included a few key red flags when assessing for love.

Control is when your partner tries their best to convince you how to behave. Manipulation can come in the form of emotional blackmail where your partner can withhold something from you in order to influence who you are and how you move throughout your life.

Disrespect is often easier to catch, as it can show up as insults, critiques, crossing boundaries, or invalidation of their partner. It reveals a lack of care for others and highlights a focus on themselves.

Lying creates trust injuries in the relationship. If there is no honesty, there is no safety. This can lead to a hyper sense of anxiety for the other partner. It may feel normal to be hypervigilant or to internalize that it's a you-problem as to why your partner is lying to you.

Emotional Abuse yes we're talking gas lighting, verbal attacks, and even isolating you from your family and friends. It can feel subtle but the goal is to create a power imbalance and assert authority over you.

If you resonated with some of the unhealthy love traits in your own relationship here are some ways you can create a new dynamic in your relationship:

Building Love That Heals, Grows, and Endures

Be Consistent With Your Boundaries

Boundaries are ways that we teach others how we want to be approached and treated. Think beautiful bridges. Reflect on how you want your partner to treat you and communicate them to  your partner. Make sure that if your partner doesn’t respect your boundary, you are consistent in the way that you will respond (leaving the room, getting some water to calm down, not giving in)

Self-Love

Going back to the beginning part of the article and recognizing that if you're not loving on yourself, it might be a good time to start. Recognizing what healthy love looks like is our first step in creating change. Foster self-love as much as you can.

Ask for Help

If you're not sure what to do in your relationship ask a friend or therapist for support. Having someone else who knows and that you can be accountable to can help in steps of clarity and healing.

Speak Up

Yes, your voice matters, it counts, it's important. Being open about your feelings, needs and boundaries will help these issues to be addressed and hopefully change.

Peace, Acceptance and Sometimes Letting Go

Letting Go of an unhealthy relationship that doesn't change is the most loving thing you can do for yourself. Staying in a toxic relationship and trying to change when the abuse is present is very difficult. We can choose to protect ourselves in the unhealthy relationship or heal outside of the relationship. Healing within the relationship is possible, but be curious about why you are staying in an unhealthy relationship.

All of us want to be seen and heard. We often seek validation of our worth and value from others, whether at work, from friends or our partners. Learning how to love oneself by giving ourselves attention, time and curiosity heals any sense of shame or negative self image that we may carry with us. When you love and invest in yourself, you will attract that same love in others. Begin by exploring more of your Love Language today, click here for a Free Quiz if you're not sure of your love language. The more you love yourself, the more love will grow within you and overflow to your world.

Space, Grace and Beautiful Boundaries

Xo Unapologetically You