I want to invite you to think of these few words and notice what emotions come up for you: rent, groceries, gas, inflation, bills. What did you notice? Did you feel your heart quicken, or that sensation of wanting to distance yourself from what these words represent for you?
When it comes to money, we all have a unique origin story about the value of money, the importance of money, the generational wounds around money, and the current relationship we hold with it. We're going to dive in to two attachment styles, the anxious and avoidant attachment, to learn how to recognize the signs and techniques to incorporate in order to move toward a more secure relationship with money.
Let's start with anxiety. A beautiful protective part of all of us, it often shows up to tell us that threat or danger are near, that we need to get ready. When it comes to money, anxiety can be on the look out for ways to maintain safety but it can become harmful to us if it shows up all the time. Here is a non-exhaustive list of some anxious behaviours.
Common Anxious Behaviours with Money
Financial Anxiety
Spending a lot of time worrying about the health of your bank account, stressed about your current debts, and fear for your financial stability in the future.
Dependant on Others for Advice
Turning to others for their opinions on your decisions regarding money. This creates a sense of need for others when it comes to money and reduces your own confidence around money decisions.
Retail Therapy
Although a popular term, it is often a way to distract from an emotional trigger, and can lead to further debt and financial complications.
Conflict Around Money Management
Spending and saving can occur more frequently if there is a partner who has an anxious attachment towards money.
Scarcity Mindset
Hoarding money, believing that there is never enough money to keep their needs, trying to gain as much control as they can of their money.
Seeking Approval
The 'Big Spender', making big purchases in order to gain approval and validation from others.
No Boundaries
Lending money out without considering consequences to personal financial health and needs
Risky Behaviour with Money
Gambling, making impulsive, reactive decisions in the present moment without considering the long-term impacts
If you identified with some of these behaviours keep scrolling to learn ways to build a secure attachment with money. The next attachment, avoidance, is one that keeps all others at bay and keeps one very independent, hyper-secretive at times, and can be harmful in pushing resources and support at a distance.
Common Avoidant Behaviours with Money
Very independent, manages finances autonomously and avoids financial dependence on others
Don't part-take in financial conversations with friends, partners, or family members, views money as not important
Has never made a budget or doesn't follow a budget, is late on bill payments and financial planning.
Keeps their financial information top secret
Fear of merging finances with partner or family members
Has difficulty seeking financial support or guidance from others
Not easily engaged in planning for financial future
If we're being honest we can probably find at least one example that we can presently or from our past identify with. Although these aren't exhaustive lists, it begs the question of what does a secure attachment with money look like? Is it possible to work with a partner who is anxiously or avoidantly attached to money? Let's find out!
Building A Secure Attachment to Money
Awareness, Awareness, Awareness
This is literally my mantra with my clients. Once we become aware of a behaviour/pattern, only then can we create a new pattern with money.
Normalize Talking about Your Emotions Around Money
This seems simple, but it's all about brining mindfulness into the dialogue and learning that your emotions are usually showing up to try and protect you. Reflect on if you need to protect yourself, and if so, what other ways could you protect yourself going forward?
Challenge Your Beliefs about Money
What do you believe to be true and false about money currently? Where did these beliefs come from? Are they serving you currently or limiting you? If any of your beliefs are holding you back from vulnerability or building relationship that's your sign to start reassessing your beliefs.
Normalize Your Needs
What needs do you have with money? Get clear on your needs so that you're able to clearly and confidently communicate your needs with your relationships. If you need to pay off student debt, but your friends want to go away on a trip that you can't actually afford, being honest with your need to focus on your financial goals will reduce future financial harm to yourself.
It's okay to Ask for Help
Speak to a therapist, financial advisor or investor counsellor who can help you grow in your financial literacy and provide you options on ways you can move forward with your money.
Money Journal Reflections:
What boundaries do you have with money currently?
How do you feel about money right now?
What emotions are triggered within you when you think about money?
What are your earliest memories of money?
How were you taught to handle money? Are you happy with how you currently manage money?
What are my core beliefs about money?
What are my fears/worries about money?
What role does money play in my relationship with others?
How do you want to move forward with money?
Reflecting on these questions helps to start the conversation around your personal story with money.
Do You Struggle with the Thrill of Gambling?
Gambling has been around for ages, the allure of making quick money, heart in throat excitement and the grand hope that you WILL win, it's no wonder that so many of us are attracted to this activity. If you find yourself in the throes of a gambling addiction, or even just a 'once-in-a-while' gambler, here are some key points to keep in mind if you're wanting to reduce the power of this behaviour over you.
Build Self-Awareness - how often do you crave this behaviour? Why do you do it? What are you getting out of it?
Boundaries - that word again, I know. What is your limit (time, financial contribution, chasing a win, etc)?
Reframe the Behaviour - see gambling as entertainment, budget for this behaviour, what is your maximum that you would spend at the movie theatre? Or at a comedy show?
Get Acquainted with Losing - this can sound backwards, but an important lesson in ensuring that you don't fall into the 'chasing losses' spiral which can lead to greater financial hard. Expose yourself to situations where you 'lose' and notice what emotions show up, and reflect on ways you can meet those needs.
Take Breaks - stepping back from any behaviour will help to relax your mind, and focus on what else is important around you.
Explore New Hobbies - once you identify that type of emotions that arise from gambling, reflect on what alternative hobbies you could try that elicit a similar emotional response but that does not hold as negative consequences for your bank account.
Professional Help - if you find that this behaviour has been hard to control, seeking out professional help from an addictions counsellor or a therapist will help you to create a whole new relationship with money, chance and security.
When working through a gambling addiction, anxious or avoidant attachment to money, it is important to be curious about the factors that have led you to these behaviours. Work towards understanding your tolerance levels and your lack of ultimate control. Focus on what you can control in front of you today. Your behaviours, your internal thoughts, and they way you interact with others in this world.
Money, gambling and attachment can have an impact on us, and if it's not a positive one for you, I invite you to try out the suggestions in this post to work on changing your relationship with this energy source we call money.
Space, Grace, at your own Pace
xo Unapologetically You
Comments