The shortness of breath.
The tightness in your chest.
The heat rising to your cheeks.
The feeling of wanting to fight back.
Sound familiar?
Enter stage left anger. Anger can be many things. It can be complex, misunderstood, scary, explosive but it can also be healthy. Anger can be a feeling that we learn how to express during our primary years or it can be internalized as taboo, and so we learn how to bury it deep down inside. Anger can break apart relationships but it can also call an injustice to light, it can warn of danger and it can be a mirror into our own complex needs.
Anger has sometimes been referred to as secondary emotion, meaning that it's fueled by other emotions, however, anger in itself is valid and often misunderstood. Anger is a sign of self-worth. Often it can appear that one is 'out of control' when they are angry, but the truth is that sitting in the seat of anger feels like we are in control. It's a way to take some form of control back. It often a lot easier to hold onto the anger than to sit with the sadness, hurt and disappointment.
Let's Start With the Basics
That's right, the beginning. Growing up, what did you learn about anger? What were you told about anger? How did you experience others when they showed anger? Were you allowed to express anger growing up? Are you more comfortable with chaos, or peace and calm?
Write down as many lessons and rules you learned about anger and how you respond to anger. What you write down can be a starting point to getting curious about how your experience with anger is unique to you, and notice any thing that you'd want to change about your relationship with anger. If growing up you weren't allow to express anger, you might notice as an adult that your anger shows up as sarcasm, or passive aggressiveness. You might also notice tendencies to want to people please, or avoid difficult topics just to keep the peace (even though that is truly out of our control). If you experienced anger growing up and joined in storm, you might notice as an adult that you are very defensive and quick to react to situations than most.
Chronic Anger
As you begin to invite anger, this aspect of you, to the forefront, notice how long anger as been a part of your story. Some of us hold onto anger for a long time, and it sometimes stems from a huge event that we've experienced in our lives. Begin to pay attention to the dialogue that anger is replaying for you. Notice who the main characters are in the story, who is the victim, who did what? A great exercise is to sit down and write out your anger story, everything you're angry about, all the ways it was bad and wrong.
Then walk away.
Come back later on and see if you can notice in any part of the story where there could be a different perspective taken. Notice if there is any predictable behaviour from others that showed up in your story. If the behaviour is predictable, then ask yourself how you could create a necessary boundary. Ask yourself in what ways are you creating protection, connection and compassion for yourself by holding onto this chronic anger, and in what ways can you soothe yourself and release this anger.
What Does Healthy Anger Look Like?
Is it even possible? Anger is a signal, an opportunity for growth.
It means sitting in your seat of consciousness and experiencing anger without being absorbed and reacting to it. Let's it break it down. Imagine yourself putting on mindfulness glasses which allow you to be a curious observer of your world. This lens also allows you to observe the anger that is showing up in your body and thoughts, and instead of being triggered by it - you begin to get curious about it.
It means noticing that when anger shows up it's a great opportunity to reflect on your feelings, thoughts, and behaviours leading up to the current situation. Once you become aware of your anger you've already won! You've taken two steps back from the anger and noticed it! As you continue to observe NOTICE the thoughts for what they are - thoughts not necessarily facts. Notice if you have control around these thoughts, and what feelings are anchored to the thoughts. A lot of our core or limiting beliefs are anchored to these thoughts as well. Look for predictable behaviours and/or patterns from yourself and get curious if there is another way you can react to the anger.
As you continue to do a deep dive you'll most likely come across some beliefs you have about yourself, others and the world, the needs that you carry, fear as well as values that are important to you. The hardest part about this is to be honest with yourself about what these are. Journaling them down, or reflecting on them helps to bring more clarity in how to move forward with these beliefs, fears, needs and values.
It can be working on putting a plan in place of strategies that include understanding, acceptance, forgiveness and letting go of yourself and others. This isn't easy to do but it is a beautiful way to practice compassion and love.
Healthy anger helps us to hone our communication skills so that when you need to speak you can do so with confidence even in difficult situations. If you really don't like confrontation - it could be the visual that is stopping you for speaking out. I like to think of speaking up as a way to defend your inner child, and so it's natural to protect and stand up for her. Here are 5 tips to Advocate for Self.
Ultimately healthy anger allows compassion in enter stage right and to touch not only yourself but also others to avoid going through a predictable dance. It helps us to avoid suffering and pain and allows us to stay connected with ourself and others.
What Happens When You Experience Anger?
Do you stay quiet? Avoid eye contact? Join the storm brewing around you? Our minds are wired to feel safe when there is a routine in place, when life is predictable our amygdale isn't activated. The moment our environment changes and someone or something unpredictable comes our way, we will usually go into fight, flight, freeze or fawn mode.
Fight mode is pretty self-explanatory, you take action and you'll probably join the storm! Flight mode is usually where we avoid the anger of others and hope the peace or stability returns back as soon as possible. This could look like leaving the room, or not bringing up the topic up again. In Freeze mode, if someone is yelling at us, we might just numb out, or sit in silence and disassociate from the scene in front of us. In fawn mode, we might do everything we can to make the other person feel better, problem solve, take care of and give as much as we can to ensure their needs are met first.
Knowing that our mind values predictability and routine, what if you could be that predictable, stable, harbour in the storm when anger, conflict or any other heavier emotion is brewing around you. Here's an incredible breakdown of ways to work with anger when it shows up, sourced from The Power of Showing Up:
Safe: recognizing that the negative behaviour of others isn't your fault. How can you create an environment that is predictable and stable that allows your partner or child to know that when they are experiencing the storms you are able to remain that harbour in the storm, a place they can come to and know it's safe.
Seen: recognizing the mind behind the behaviour. This is where you can become curious about what are they actually feeling that they are not saying. If we can speak to the emotion, it cuts through all the words that are being spoken. Everyone just wants to be seen and heard.
Soothe: This one is two-fold. It is so important to know how to soothe yourself and also how to soothe your partner or child. It is a beautiful reminder that there is still connection and compassion. Some ways to soothe yourself is to allow yourself some time alone to journal, tune into your breath, do some stretches, speak words of life to yourself, and even a bear hug. Soothing others shows them that they aren't alone in their emotional experience. If you're not sure how to soothe them you can always ask them what they need from you at these times.
If Anger was….. a Wise Companion
If anger could be a wise companion:
How would you show up in this world? What would you start doing or stop doing? Do more of or less of?
How would you face conflicts and difficult situations?
How would you treat yourself, others and the world differently?
What would you be doing with your time?
What values and goals would be leading your life?
How would your life change?
Anger shows up when an injustice has been done, or an expectation hasn't been met. A lot of people have a 'rule book for life' that begin with 'should' or 'must' and this allows for a lot of people to not hit the mark. Notice your own thoughts and if you can catch yourself saying 'should' or 'must' try and replace it with 'prefer' or 'wish', this often allows you to experience less pressure and more compassion in the moment toward yourself and others. Stay curious and mindful throughout this journey back to Self.
Space, Grace & Beautiful Bridges
Xo Unapologetically You
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