"I feel bad"
"It's all my fault"
"I keep messing up"
What is the difference between Guilt and Shame?
Healthy Guilt is when you feel bad about something that you did. For example, you cheat on your partner, who you promised to love and be faithful to for your whole life, or you miss your child's graduation to go on a date with a stranger, or you miss your best friend's wedding because you are too hung over. The results of these choices can leave you feeling guilty, disappointed in yourself and with thoughts that you are a terrible person.
Toxic Guilt is when you blame yourself for something that was out of your control, you were not responsible for, or did not understand. For example, if your parents divorced when you were young, you may have not understand their reasons why and blamed yourself. As children, we are egocentric and view the world from our perspective. We have not yet developed the ability to view a situation from another person's perspective, and in so doing we can carry this guilt from our developmental years and have it impact our Self in our adult daily lives.
Shame is when you believe that you are wrong. That you are a failure, that you are unlovable, unteachable, and that the problem is you. Shame is invisible, but it can wrap around you like a cloak and weigh down on your emotions, relationships and work. Holding onto a lot of shame as an adult, can result from growing up in an abusive, neglectful, or dysfunctional family. As children, we aren't able to perceive a situation as logically as we can as adults, and so many children blame themselves for their parents drinking, or hitting habits, thinking that it is their fault their parents are abusing them. As in many cases, if a child is treated poorly growing up, they are going to have a low image of their worth and value as adults, which becomes part of their sense of shame.
Ways to let go of shame
Don't blame yourself for the abuse.
There is nothing you can do as a child to warrant an adult abusing you. You are not responsible for the abuse you endured. You were innocent, valuable and full of worth.
Literally give your shame back
In so many cases, our parents are the ones who are suffering from shame and they transfer their shame onto us. Here is a simple exercise to begin to release shame from your body.
Visualize yourself going into your body with the purpose of looking for shame. You may feel it in your hands, or your chest or a presence or shadow around you. Once you have located it in your body, visualize yourself grabbing hold of it and tossing it out of your body, getting rid of every shame filled thought, cleaning house inside of yourself so that you have space now to fill it with love, acceptance and self-compassion.
Begin to understand your behaviour
Remove the judgment around how you acted and begin to view your behaviours during the abuse as your way of coping. It is important to note that all emotions and feelings play a role and have a specific purpose. Here is a list, adapted from the National Alliance on Mental Health (2018) that highlights a few common coping mechanisms in former victims of childhood abuse:
Eating disorders: bingeing, compulsive overeating and emotional eating
Self-injury: cutting, burning, head banging, or any other form of self-harm
Sexual adjustment challenges: sexualizing relationships, avoiding sexual encounters or being hypersexual, or alternating between the two extremes.
Be self-compassionate
The opposite of shame is compassion. The second you shift from shame to compassion you neutralize the shame and begin to have space from it. It no longer becomes your identity. Practice standing in front of a mirror and begin to speak kindly over yourself, encourage yourself while making eye contact, also you can practice some self-soothing exercises.
Allow Forgiveness In
Forgiveness can easily be mistaken for 'letting someone get away with it'. This is not the type we want you to practice. Self-forgiveness is the act of forgiving yourself for the abuse, the ways you coped and maybe hurt others or yourself in the process. The more shame that you forgive the more clearly you'll be able to recognize yourself.
Recognize that shame doesn't happen over night, it is through repeated events, experiences and years. Learning how to forgive yourself will take time, intentionality and reminders that you are not your shame. Each step you take toward healing your shame will empower you to live your life wholly-aligned to be your authentic Self.
Questions to ask yourself when guilt shows up
Ask yourself did you hurt someone intentionally?
Did you say something to make someone feel bad?
Did you do something wrong?
What else are you feeling apart from the guilt?
As long as you don't forgive, who and whatever it is will occupy a rent-free space in your mind - Isabelle Holland
Space, Grace & Beautiful Boundaries
xo Unapologetically You
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